I've seen it all. I've done it all. Having dissected the chemistry, physics and biological aspects of relationships, I can claim to be an authority now. I landed up on an Orkut profile of an "interesting" member of the fairer and lovelier sex and apparently she was a member of the community "1988". I suddenly realized how much experience I've gained in life ( euphemism).
A 26 year old can't be wrong about these things. I like to classify things and put them into memes. So I present to you "Interpreting Orkut profiles of Ladies For Male Dummies"
Glossary:
"*" means interpretation
"-" means personal tip
IMOFS - Interesting Member Of Fairer Sex
Despos - Clueless uncool guys
RLE.g - Real Life Example
BO - Body Odour
* Let's be realistic folks. There are too many despos walking on this planet. They are the weaker links which won't contribute to the furthering of their species in Darwinistic evolution sense, if I may. Just because an IMOFS puts a huge "I DONT NEED NO FRIENDS. DONT ADD ME IF YOU DONT KNOW ME", it's wrong to conclude that she is stuck-up. She's just being plainly and violently attacked by despos from all directions.
- Your task is then to be as non-despo as possible and it's important to see things from the POV of despos so that you know that if you act totally opposite you may have a chance. Think outside the box. Lame self-deprecating humor actually helps.
RLE.g - An IMOFS had an interesting name. So our guy asks her "What's the meaning of your name?" - IMO a good icebreaker.
* IMOFS with Shriya, Illeana, Aishwarya Rai profile pictures are mostly MOFS. Or completely paranoid that despos might wreak freakin' havoc in their lives with the pics. Or controlled by despotic dads who dictate dictum in their lifes. ( alliteration! )
* Userpics of IMOFSes from weird angles basically means that they are cute only from that angle. ( Unfortunately, it applies to me also)
- If you even want an iota of attention from interesting guys, please put atleast a display pic. And since I stand for ethics, it's completely unethical to put copyrighted photographic pictures ( almost all of the actresses pics are! )
- Also don't put picture of yourself and 16 members of your posse with a caption "WE ROCK". Time is premium for guys and it's frustrating for them if they can't figure out who you are in that picture. [ Corollary: If you are a guy and see a picture like the one described above, then the least IMOFS in that picture is the owner of the profile ]
* Long list of brandnames in passions, communities denotes stuck-upness and snobbiness. Brand-consciousness generally implies condescension. It's some psychology which suddenly dawns upon you in your 26th birthday, if you are born on the 24th of Nov, otherwise it doesn't!
It's loosely connected to "snob-art" and I see some correlation.
- It's wise to be grounded, O member of IMOFS!
European languages in "About Me" is another example. Basically that's their way of telling "I've visited/lived in Europe loser. Have you? Now f-off" indirectly.
* Scrap flushers either have things to hide or are completely paranoid. They take Orkut too seriously. As a general rule, if the number of fans is greater than the number of scraps, you just witnessed a scrap flusher!
* As a general rule, most of the things an IMOFS writes in "Personal" section are true which is not the same for guys. Take that seriously. If you have BO, you are doomed, since our research asserts that BO is hated by most of IMOFSes.
- Frequent baths and good Deos minimize BO. If you are living in Chennai, God save you.
They also tend to like long walks in beaches which is straight out of a Hindi movie - so they like Hindi movies in general.
- Never ever say anything bad about one Shah Rukh Khan to an IMOFS, since everyone likes him. And never try to be like SRK, since you'll be termed as a wannabe.
You'll just have to live with it.
* "Everybody hates Committed" - It's the most hated word ever. You are always left wondering which level of Committed an IMOFS is [ranging from "just-fooling-around" to "engaged" ] or it might just be a ploy to evade despos.
- "Committed" is the most hated word like eva, O IMOFS. It's repulsive. It's going to be redacted from my vocabulary. If "committed" were a person, I'd drive him/her to the top of Mt.San Gabriel and push him/her. If "committed" were a bug in my pot, I'd flush it. You now faintly know the level of hatred I have for "committed"
-Never put "committed" in your profile to discourage despos. Remember that you also discourage cool guys. It's like dressing up as a man so as to not get raped in Delhi .OK.. bad example! But you should be getting the point by now.
* F.R.I.E.N.D.S - Even if you can't stand that show like me, develop an interest. Ask intelligent questions like "So who's Phoebe's twin sister?". Exclaim when Chandler acts cool. Laugh when Joey says "How we doin?". Pretend not to notice Rachel's pokies. Listen when Phoebe starts singing an "OMG-I have a guitar and It's a Joke" song. I forgot about the other two which means I have to watch Friends re-run to be up to speed.
* Always add 2 levels for the category "Build" in "Personal" section. If they state "average" it means they are fat. If they state "Few extra pounds" it means they're really fat and stuff.
If they answer "attractive" for "Looks" section, watch out. They have an apparent elevated self-worth or they are surrounded by slappies.
( Will be updated )
( Standard disclaimer is not to take this seriously )
Sunday, December 17, 2006
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18 comments:
Ouch! I was brutally honest when I said "a few extra pounds" on my profile (ten, to be precise, goddamn shortness makes sure I show every ounce). I suppose being married makes me a non-IMOF, though, and your rules don't apply?
... I was just about to write a post about the GUYS on Orkut, y'know, but now it'll look as if I just knocked yours off. :P
I am Jamal from Bangalore.
Your blog is amazing man, especially this one on " orkut " - totally hilarious.
As a tribute to all the Orkut "romeos " and " despo dudes" we have made one video-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dHuEYCcOS8
Hav you seen the scrapbooks of babes filled wid silly friend requests from these despos like:
" Hey sweety babes I am want fraandship wid you"
" Ur hairs is so beutifull .. pls frend wid me"
" Hey am a kool dude wid hot attitude..so frends?"
Who are these Guys ?
to know abt them Pls watch our Video
" Orkut Despo - the Agony of Babes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dHuEYCcOS8
Please watch it.
and if you like it....We would be glad if you could add our video to your blog.
Thanks
Jamal
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